For most people trying is the fun part. The positive test is the exciting part. The pregnancy, the hard part and the labor the scary part.
But some of us aren't so lucky to follow that pattern. For us it was a difficult journey to get where we are, a place we weren't sure we'd ever be. Infertility is a word I still dread. It started out with a mass on one ovary, that grew to a diagnosis of stage 4 endometriosis...oh and by the way you also have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). It didn't stop there. My uterus is misshapen, one ovary doesn't work and a tube is blocked. There was a lot working against us. Surgery, after surgery, after surgery, my hopes would go up only to learn that the tumors and cysts came back even worse than before.
Each month passed by with yet another negative pregnancy test, and more medications. My worst fear of never being called "mom" drew closer.
But the pain and poking and prodding from Doctors didn't stop us from trying. If you've ever been a victim to infertility...well trying just isn't always the fun part. Life revolves around ovulating, forget those last minute trips and going away for a girls weekend. Business is business, but it was worth every scheduled session and all the pain when we got---to our amazement-- a positive pregnancy test!!! Thrilled, amazed, blessed... there was absolutely no word to describe our excitement at this point.
We flew home and told my family just 6 weeks after finding out. We had a cake made to tell Ryan's family. Pure joy washed over both sides, the fight was over. We were going to be parents, finally!! We saw her little heartbeat and first kicks at a 7 week ultrasound. This little angel was going to be one spoiled little baby.
But an angel is what she ended up. What was supposed to be a routine 12 week ultrasound to see our miracle baby, turned into our worst nightmare. To say the following weeks...months for that matter, were dark would be an understatement. I can barely write this through my tears. It’s hard to put out there. But I know there are a lot of you out there that have shared my pain.
We started fresh with a move to Colorado to be closer to my family. We started seeing a specialist and before we knew it, we were on the fast track to IVF (invtro-fertilization). The money, the needles, the hormones-- this was crazy, right?!?
We jumped in head first only to get another shocking surprise.
The day before I was scheduled for my hormone injections, another positive pregnancy test!! Remember that excitement most people get from this? For us a giant ball of fear crouched right behind that. I couldn't go through the pain of a miscarriage again. But what kind of attitude was that? We were given another chance and I was going to cherish every minute of it. The announcement to our families came in the coming weeks.
It wasn't a jump for joy kind of thing. It was more of a "let's say a prayer together" type of announcement. All this wonderful news for Ryan and I coming on the heels of my Aunt's death as she told us she would be looking over our baby from above.
Getting to week 12-- you know the "safe" marker drug by slower than a caterpillar in mud (that's the best I got :)). The first trimester was marked with dry heaves, sleep- endless sleep and the death stare in response to many of Ryan's questions...and cooking for that matter. All I could eat for 3 months was refried beans and licorice. Sounds delicious right? Better than the ice cream train I'm on right now.
Well, now this little dude (that's right, it's a boy) is growing bigger and healthier than ever!
We had a doctor's appointment today and he is measuring right on track. Even gave the Doc a little kick to the palm. I will never be able to describe the joy of those kicks (he's karate chopping in there as I write this) The best part is watching my belly move with his body. It really is one of the greatest feelings ever! Six months along, I never thought I would be able to say that. 6 months, Wow. Boy (see what I did there) am I excited to take you all on the rest of this journey with me/us.
For others pregnancy is the hard part, labor the scary part. For me every day of this pregnancy brings about a new joy, labor- well I just can't wait for that! How can I be a woman and be excited for labor?